post-note: So, I put this blog post up really early this morning, after I woke up at 2:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. I posted it around 4:30 am or so and then when I reread it later that morning I took it down because I chickened out. If you have read this already, that is funny because I chickened out for the reasons below. I was afraid people would think I was whiney or mean-spirited and I was afraid of what you thought. How am I ever going to get over this? I am getting brave again after hearing a friend's encouragement who happened on this post on google reader. shoot. I forgot about that reader. Anyway, here it is. I need feedback, friends. Let me know what you are thinking...do you get this?
Early last fall when I was training for the baltimore relay marathon, I came across a website that tracked your workouts and miles (if you are a runner) and recorded them in a neat and tidy online space. (I forget the name of the site now). I thought it was brilliant. I thought it would be a great way to record my training.
Soon after I signed up I got a message that a friend was following me. huh??? what? I didn't realize that this site was some sort of exercise social media. I was bothered. Not by the friend who is an awesome runner and real life friend, but just by the fact that I can't use this site personally and privately. Anyone who wanted to look at my workouts could. There was no option to make it private. I was annoyed. I unfriended the friend and told her that it was nothing personal, I just didn't want the world to know my workouts (or lack thereof). When another friend found me on there and started following me I just stopped posting. I was done.
A few years ago when I was posting regularly on Likely Classroom I came across a few back-and-forth comments on a friend's blog about how seeing all that I do with my kids is tiring. I was a little hurt by the comment. I never wanted to share my ideas to be pompous. I truly didn't share them with the intent of showing off in any way. Elementary Education is my major. Teaching and playing and being with children is a passion of mine. Sharing my ideas is a huge outlet for me. The thought that I might be making any of my friends feel bad somehow really got to me.
Years ago when I started blogging I heard from a relative that I blogged more than anyone they knew. How do I have that kind of time?? Why do I even do that?
A month or so ago I was teased at a party for pinning too much on pinterest. It may be true, well, it IS true, but that is also a huge creative outlet for me. Who cares how much I pin? or what I pin? or how often? (another site that can't be private or controlled by you regarding who follows you)
Another friend a few months ago apologized to me for something she was eating because it wasn't "super healthy like me". like me? Why? because of Section 89 that I hardly blogged on? Super healthy like me who is a good 15 pounds overweight? ha ha. I was bothered again.
When facebook started telling everyone what articles I had been reading and what I was saying to my friends on their walls I had had it. done.
THIS WAS ALL DRIVING ME CRAZY.
I knew some changes had to be made. I had become somewhat paranoid, and I am not normally such a paranoid person. I have begun to start second guessing everything I write/say/comment. Online, in church, in conversation. I wonder how things will be taken. I wonder if I make anyone feel bad. I wonder if I am insensitive. I wonder if people think I am dumb or a show-off. I was tired of everyone keeping track of me everywhere I was online, being able to criticize me or compare me. And I was tired of doing the same -- comparing all the time. I was tired of all of the guilt of everything I wasn't doing, reading, wearing, cooking, writing, making, fixing. all the miles I wasn't running, all the pictures I wasn't taking, all the places I wasn't going.
I became hyper self conscious and so very critical of myself. Where confidence used to be, I found fragility and oversensitivity. I tired of the heaviness of it all.
I do realize that personalities are so different. You may "get this" you may not. Some people let this kind of stuff just roll off of their back. Who cares what people say or think? right? And some people can care less what other people are doing and not feel any guilt or anxiety. Apparently I struggle with those things.
And then there is just the fact that life is busy and is slipping by and I need to get control of my online time. I have to figure out how to make the internet work for me instead of the opposite. I needed to figure out the balance and really weigh out what is working for me and what is not.
So I have made some changes over the course of this little blogging break. here they are:
*The first thing I did was unsubscribe from a ton of people on facebook. I love to be able to connect with old students and friends and keep track of what is going on in the lives of family and close ones, but really, it was out of control and soooo very distracting. I unsubscribed to the posts of probably 3/4 of my list. I think I would cut facebook out permanently if it wasn't for the fact that facebook is where everyone posts their news now and makes real-life social suggestions like "let's meet at the park today" and such...
*I stopped reading blogs on a daily basis. Now I read them more on a monthly or weekly basis. I weeded out my google reader. I stopped reading blogs that didn't truly inspire me.
*I stopped blogging altogether for a while (obviously). I should have just wrote a message and told everyone I was taking a break, but I didn't. I wanted to step back from everything and really get a feel for what I wanted to do and where I wanted to devote my time and creative energy.
*When I stepped back I realized my heart isn't in Section 89. I recently gave that blog fully to Sandra. Although I started it, my name is no longer attached. I do love food and am passionate about nutrition, but writing about food doesn't come naturally to me like it does Sandra and it had become more of a duty and guilt-trip more than a diversion. I know I hadn't posted consistently for a while, but just letting that go completely was very liberating.
*I love Likely Classroom. I truly do and I hope to be able to do something with it in the future, but I am just not sure this is my season. I have so many posts accrued in my head that they might just need to spill over somewhere, and that will be the place. If I can figure out how I want to revamp that, I just might be back sooner than later.
*My heart is here. David told me yesterday he checks in on the blog every once in a while and he really misses my posts. It has been over two months. It made me remember why I started blogging in the first place. To have a place to share my thoughts on life in general and to keep a record of my little family, to make people smile or think or laugh. Including my husband. I have missed the creative outlet that blogging is for me.
***And also my camera has been broken for two months and how can I properly blog here without pictures like this:
Thank you for listening to me today. The camera is fixed. I have had a nice break. Let's be friends again.
love, Likely
29 comments:
I'm so glad I left a comment for you about it on pinterest (since i couldn't after i read it on google reader since you'd deleted it silly), and that you reposted it. I think you hit on something we all struggle with, self-esteem, what other's think of us, offending others, being misunderstood. Know that when you're struggling with those things the rest of us are too. I love you, your quirkiness, your style, the love you have for your kids and doing fun things with them. Don't be afraid of what others think. Personally, I think if they feel threatened by you or critical of you, it's only because they're insecure themselves.
I too saw the beginning of this on google reader, but when I went to read it, it was gone. I'm glad you put it back. I often have similar feelings that I'll write to you about later. I just want to say this now: I can hear your voice when you blog and I like you a lot!
I think you are kind and sincere. In our few brief conversations you have made me feel valued and way more cool than I really am. Sometimes I get lonely, so thank you for that!
hey girl. thanks for sharing. i don't have anything really profound to say except that i can relate to you on a lot of what you shared. i've gone thru my own ups and downs about being online too much, comparing lives, feeling insecure about sharing, etc. etc. i've also felt envious of mega popular blogs and wondered if i could make my life "fun" enough to be "blog famous" or whatever :)but i've decided that that's too much pressure. i don't want to blog for the sake of pleasing the masses. it takes the fun out of it. i love to blog and i've decided to make it something where i record the things about my life that i want to remember, with the idea that i will print my blog into books for my family to keep as a family record/scrap book. i've decided that if people don't like what i blog they can choose to not read it - i don't mean that in a rude way, i just mean that it feels liberating for me to know that just because i blog doesn't mean i expect people to read/respond. in fact, i rarely get comments, etc. anymore because i rarely blog about anything other than my kids and although i miss blogging about life, experiences, etc. that prompt responses i just figure it's not my season to do so. i'm currently missing the energy/inspiration for it. i agree that you should only read what's inspiring to you. i've cut back on my blog reader and unsubscribed on FB too and after reading your post have decided it's time i stream line my reading even more. i think it just comes down to feeling comfortable with what our motivations are and realizing that the rest is out of our control - ie - obviously it's never my intention to show off or offend anyone by anything i blog/post on FB and i could drive myself crazy trying to walk on egg shells to please everyone which just takes the fun out of sharing all together. so instead i record what i want to remember, i'm happy to share it with others, and i'm glad to know that others can take it or leave it. does that make sense? i think you're wonderful. i love reading what you want to share and i think you're brave for being real - because lots of online sharing isn't always what's real. know what i mean? i love you babe! xo
Hey! It's you.
No kidding I was wondering where you'd been hiding recently.
Glad to see you're back and doing the things you LOVE and are worth it to you.
Good thoughts.
Oh, this online virtual world we live in. I love and hate it. I enjoyed your post, and all your posts for that matter. I too struggle with insecurities about what I write, offending people, etc. I've kind of stopped blogging, and I rarely post anything on fb. But I love going to all these online things to find inspiration. And I am inspired by YOU! Your blog and your pins. I've pinned multiple. Keep at it!
I have always loved you for who you are-- and then includes everything that comes out of your mouth (or fingers)... I have missed you!
Our true friends love us for the smart things we say and do AND for the not so smart things we say and do. People who don't get it... need to move on and try and 'get it' somewhere else. I know that is a hard thing to believe. When I had small children there was SO much stress. The older I get, the less those things seem to matter. Being a good wife and mom is numero uno!!
Pin as you'd like. I love it. Blog all the time... I LOVE it. Be you all the time... I REALLY LOVE it :)
I totally "get it" and relate. I tend to hold back a lot in order to avoid controversy or people judging or misunderstanding me. That said, I love hearing about the honest thoughts and lives of people I care about. So don't hold back!
I've had the same feelings about people being able to see what articles i read or what music i listen to on facebook. Or what i choose to pin on pinterest. I think i was the person who said you pinned a ton on pinterest. And i know you werent trying to call me out or anything on here, but I'm sorry if I made you feel bad at all about it. I like your pins! Keep up the blogging, friend!
Hey hillary -- it was actually multiple people about the pinning thing. A lot of people were teasing me about that... a few at that baby shower and then again at another gathering. It's not a big deal, it just adds a bit to the whole weirdness of people following what you do. It comes with the territory. LOVE y
Berli -- I can totally relate. there was a time when I was thinking along those lines -- wow! do you think I could ever make money off a blog?? that would be so cool! But then I saw that a friend of mine started getting obsessed with that idea and it has really affected our real life friendship. she is more interested in finding new online connections that nurturing real life connections. I think trying to be online famous can sometimes be a little desperate seeming. Working so hard to get more people to read what you write. good thoughts though and thank you for sharing.
thank you everyone for your nice and encouraging words. I am so lucky to have such great friends.
hilary that said LOVE YOU at the end, because I do. It got cut off some how.
Keep doing what you're doing, if you love it and like it don't worry about anyone else. You're cool like that. (And you have the cutest-blog-worthy kids/pics).
I've supposed to be getting ready for work so this will be brief. I love you and all you do. I of course love seeing the boys posted on your blog - your love for your family is inspiring and your frustrations are uniteing (is that a word and spelling?) but you understand. We are all afraid to share our frustrations in this life for fear people will feel less about us. We are all on this journey together and you have a way of articulating life in such a sweet and enjoyable way. You just do what makes you happy. We all struggle with finding boundaries on how we spend our time. There are more negative reasons for growing older than positive but the major one I like is that I have learned that if I am intune with my Heavenly Father, my family and myself then I will just smile through the rest. I try my best not to affend anyone and give people the benfit of the doubt when they hurt my feelings - or just realize I like who I am. I love you and you are GREAT! Please know you inspire many and the ones who criticize are just trying to find themselves. (longer than I thought)
Thanks mommy. Your advice is always good and I know you understand me. I love you. thank you for taking the time to write that nice comment. Hope you weren't late for work!
Thank you Geri. I need to catch up on my picture taking now that the camera is back!
I can totally relate! I'd be surprised if someone couldn't.
Gotta go pin :)
i get it.
and the so and so is "following you" still freaks me out a little. i felt like i was the only one who felt that way.
i LOVE pinterest, but the following thing is, um, interesting in many different ways.
social media: the good, the bad and the ugly. sigh.
"to thine own self be true" sometimes takes a lot of courage, but we know in the end that is what will make us feel the happiest and the most "at peace" with our lives.
Love love love. An email (or really blunt blog post) is likely to follow. My goodness. Shadenfreude-- remember that post? Hit it on the nail. My goodness. There're more things in this life that are so much bigger than what each other is "up to", I wish people could just step out and create their own family adventures and memories instead of comparing, compartmentalizing, and criticizing mine. There. Done. I think.
I agree with and have experienced everything you said ... and I think you made good choices about what to cut out. I love your blog and I've missed your posts! Glad you chose to hang in there with this one. :)
PS - I made a fake facebook account so I could do Pinterest in secret and it's way more fun. I feel much more free to put up anything and everything I actually like.
I went to leave you a comment the other day after I read this on reader and wondered why I could no longer find it!!!! I love your mommy ideas on likely classroom. My kids washed animals for an hour, keep them coming!!!
If you were a rock-star, I would still want to be your groupie (did I spell that right, or did you read groopy? Not "grope" with a "y").
!Famous Tiffany.! Following your every move, because you are AMAZING! Inspiring! Wonderful! And oh, so human and real and good-kind-sensitive. Don't let the fame and fandom go to your head, but you are LOVED big time! You are a natural leader, smart and savvy and saved to be born in these latter-days. We need you. Our youth need you. (So much pressure!) I know your family gets you first, but please know that I am a better wife and mother because of you. I am thankful for the things you have taught me.
I broke up with FB, too. Privacy is a lost virtue, I think. I suspect there is a balance between honesty/knowing and reverence/humbleness in our public lives. Do we blurt out everything, or keep it sacred, or does that mean we are hiding truth and being deceptive? Tease with tidbits of information? Actively preach our beliefs?
Projecting into the future, how lucky your sons will be when their future spouse can see his goodness from his youth, a history of photos, humor, and reality recorded by you.
I totally get this. I actually wrote you a letter in the mail after I read it. I still haven't sent it. Now I ruined the surprise! I just love you, that's all.
Serena, that is so sweet. I will look forward to something in the mail! I love you too.
Jennilyn, you are so kind to me. I think I am going to cut back on fb even more. it's funny, fb makes me feel guilty, but blogging and pinterest doesn't because I think the other two help to feed my creative needs and fb just doesn't. just a big time suck. I love what you said last about having this record of my kids. this will be a treasure one day. (it already is). thank you again.
It's amazing to me how we still let Satan have so much power to control our self worth. In the sneakiest ways too.... Who would have thought that running websites(that one still freaks me out) Pinterest and Facebook would be able to make us feel like we should and shouldn't share our thoughts and feelings and ideas. Making us feel lost or less like ourselves or do what we want. Isn't this life about choice? If you so choose to blog/pin/post etc, do it. I did like the idea of setting up a separate account so you can pin in peace. Thanks for coming back. I've missed you, friend.
"pin in peace". I like that jess. I think a bunch of us should email them and tell them this. I at least think you should be able to decide which of your boards are public and which are private.
It is crazy that it can even have that kind of control, but there are so many factors, including my need for tougher skin and more confidence. Just getting all of this feedback on this post encourages me to just share what is on my mind. Some people will relate, some won't. that's not my job and shouldn't be my worry to please all.
thanks for your comment. You know what I miss? your wonderful hand me down bags! You move away and we have no more clothes for max. thanks a lot.
I love this post, and the one about bread. I hear you about the pressures of online. I survive by believing that nobody really is watching me very closely, I suppose if people started commenting about my pinning too much, or blogging too much (I've gotten this before) or other things that I'd start to get a complex. I hate it when the online world takes dominance over my personal world, at those times I do the same reanalyzing, time off, and streamlining that you describe. If it makes you feel any better, I don't think you do too much of anything online, but I suppose I wouldn't be the one to speak, right? But I seriously do work so hard to try to keep it all in the proper perspective, and I think you do too. So I'm glad you blog because I've learned from you, my blog friend!
Also I'm glad your pinterest is public, where else could I find someone to repin every single thing they've pinned?
ha ha --- yeah, I remember when you were pinning my christmas wish list! hilarious. We are kindred spirits for sure. love ya.
Hey, Tiffany!
I completely agree that keeping up with all the FB posts, and the pinterest notifications, and the everything else can be overwhelming and unnecessary. Who cares what your old neighbor's ex fiancee is eating for lunch OR what it looks like? So, go ahead and unsubscribe to those less important bits of news, but I hope you don't stop or limit your blogging because of other people's insecurities! What if Martha Stewart had stopped making cupcakes and costumes?
Your posts (at least the ones I've seen) have never been anything but genuine and entertaining. Inspiring, even. I know you're not trying to purposely offend anyone! Who reading this believes that? Seriously?
Now that I check in on your blog on occasion, I was a little disappointed that there wasn't more of your clever writing to read. Keep sharing the awesomeness that is you! “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” Maybe what you should actually do is post MORE. And maybe I'M offended now, just cause you haven't. ;)
You're hilarious jenn. I will do better and post more! ha ha.
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