have no idea the original source of this picture, found it on pinterest.
I came across this picture the other day and it made me sad.
It looks like me in high school.
like, exactly.
same hair color. same messy bun on the top of the head.
same build.
my arms weren't as little though, more muscle :)
(all that goalkeeping)
and I even had that shirt.
do you think she is holding a Mango Madness Snapple?
or is about to call Melissa?
or Mandy?
or Kim?
what has happened to that girl?
I was so happy all the time. Really, I kind of was.
who of you out there knew me back then?
Easy to get along with?
fun. funny.
and I had so many good friends.
and I did nice things
and fun things
and funny things.
I feel like I am so serious now,
mostly.
Harder on myself than ever.
so self-critical
feeling hopeless sometimes?
laced with a postpartum hormone roller coaster
So weighed down.
It's odd to think about how much more weighted
(in every sense of the word)
I feel now.
and how it is all weighing on my soul.
There is just so much (too much??)
responsibility in my life right now.
How about for just this week, I want to be in charge of my grades and soccer practice... and seminary.
and what I am wearing to the stake dance on Saturday night.
Do you ever look at an old self and wish it for a current self? I wanted high school tiffany back this week.
I kind of miss happy-go-lucky her.
26 comments:
Yeah... I think about that a lot. It's crazy the weights and pressures that we carry now as adults, thank goodness for kids who help us find the happy-go-lucky sometimes again so we don't just shrivel up and die. I feel like a shell of the person I once was sometimes, especially post-partum or *ahem* pms'ing, and those days are hard to take. Go play soccer again or jump with your kids on a trampoline and maybe it will all sort of fall off for a few minutes??
me too. I want to french braid your hair for a soccer tournament, help you get ready for prom, watch you and your sister dance!! But I also love watching you as a mother, you are incredible!! I am so glad you had such wonderful high school years - such great friends - your beautiful no matter what stage you are in. Just remember to take the time to be tiff. Love ya!
So weird, because another friend just blogged a similar nostalgia about her young dreams vs. present self. It makes me want to run up there and force you to be irresponsible. I love you and your little adidas shirt.
This is a great post, Tiffany!
I've been writing something similar in my mind for so long now (except the part about looking like you did...I was always uncomfortable about my pudgy belly...but it was nothing compared to the belly I've got now [16.5 weeks, Yay! And I feel great postpartum but not so good emotionally when I'm pregnant...I feel like everybody hates me]...Oh, & I didn't play soccer & I would have been calling Jamie or Brenda or Carrie...)
Anyway, I wish I had your talent for writing...if I could say how I feel so perfectly, maybe it would help me to feel better about where I'm at?
The Tiff I know is Fun, Funny and does nice things. You are just more responsible but you still make me jealous of the cute things you do with your kids!
Hang in there!
I recently thought about that when looking at old mission letters. The boy who wrote me THE WHOLE time. He had beautiful handwriting, liked to do all the things that I like to do..even dancing. SHould have hung on to that one.
Mine now is okay. He is just so different. So frustrating sometimes.
Reading posts like this make me sad because, well I'm still in high school and am not incredibly happy. I feel weighted down too and it scares me to think that life after high school only gets worse. :/
2nd anonymous,
I didn't really know that I have high school readers of this blog!
It doesn't get worse. In some ways it gets better, lots better! You have your own house, you can buy your own food, make whatever in the world you want for dinner! you don't have as many social pressures, school pressures, you have more freedom in what you do with your life and time.... etc! There are many more things as well. The last thing I wanted to come across in that post was that high school is easier than being a grown up mommy. High school is HARD! Being a teenager is HARD!!! I know and remember this very very well. that is why I would only want to go back for a week! And I wouldn't want to go back finals weeks :) and I would want to go back with the knowledge I have now and not go back and be in the same mindset I was in back then. I would just sit and soak in all the knowledge teachers and church leaders and my parents had to offer, enjoy the lightness and strength and energy of my body at soccer practice and I would laugh and dance all Saturday night with all my friends. Fun times, for sure.
I would actually like to write a whole post on this, because I have a lot to say on the topic. :)
So, don't be sad about the post. I am sorry. I just miss the fun times of high school.... and I miss my the closeness I was able to have with friends. We just go through phases in life and sometimes we are in a certain situation for a while that causes some growing pains, and you quickly want to revert back to something you were able to handle and enjoy. Okay, I need to stop now. See? I should write a whole post on this.
Chin up, friend :)
and mommy, yes, I want you to french braid my hair too. the next time we are together, will you? I think my scalp needs a little pulling and toughening up. :)
and thank you everyone else for your comments. I just sometimes as adults we forget to just cut loose and have fun, not worry about silly little things our kids or spouses do or how we must be and do all -- all the time.
Well said Fanny! You were/are so fun to be around. I could always be myself w/ you and I remember laughing the whole time. Our parents must have done a good job of hiding the stresses of parenthood from us. But, like you later stated, the stresses were different from the ones we encounter now. It was nice not having to worry about anyone but yourself back then... but it is also nice to have more freedom that comes from being an adult. I would love to have that kind of energy again.
BTW, I was up late last night researching diaper rashes, no joke, when this came on the TV: http://www.hulu.com/watch/237283/late-night-with-jimmy-fallon-jimmy-and-eva-mendes-dancing-with-the-stars#s-p1-sr-i1
It reminded me of us and our love of our own "great" choreography. And for a few minutes I wasn't thinking about diaper rashes. :)
Oh, and I remember when I got to french braid your hair too. It was for that soccer tournament when we all double-french braided our hair and spray painted one side red and the other white. (I remember thinking everyone on our team was Fairjay (sp ch) from behind.) The other team was laughing at us... but they weren't laughing when we beat them some how!
It is a good thing we beat them, because we would have looked like absolute ridiculous losers with colored braids in our hair.
thank you for commenting Mandy, I miss you! You were such a fun friend. I have done our Corky Thatcher impression to David many times over the years!
I think I've posted this comment before... You MUST get something on your calendar to fill your tank. Some good girls only fun, or a great overnighter with your current bff (your hubby that is!). The only way I stayed sane when I was deep in diapers, snotty noses, and legos was to have me-trips on the calendar!! Even if it is months away, you've got to take time to plan something YOU want. Just knowing that it is coming will give you a bright thing to look forward to! Remember my yearly week long trip to Lake Powell?? Seriously, that was WAY cheaper than a marriage counselor or therapist. We really couldn't ever afford it then, but we knew it was the best thing ever. Plan something. Do it. NOW!! :)
Luv you :)
I really really relate to this. Life was simple. I felt in control and confident. I felt so excited for what I have now but I didn't know what would come with it.
I feel so similarly. Thanks for having the courage to post this, as I thought that "I was the only one" feeling the weight of getting older. I've always been hard on myself but now as doors close and I feel stuck in life I feel even more hopeless and critical many times. What brightens my hopes are to keep doing things that make me feel happy, like encourage younger people. Have heart and faith.
I am so glad others relate. thank you for sharing sarah and bonnie. I guess there are just some times that it kind of hits you that you will never really have that again. I don't like to stay stuck in that mindset, but I suppose I visit it every once in a while...
Judy, I agree. We have a vacation planned for August. Not soon enough. I just really really need to get past youth conference and girl's camp.
I'm a little late in commenting but I can totally relate, too. I don't long for high school days but last weekend I cleaned out my closet got rid of all my business casual/professional clothing. It made me so nostalgic for the single working girl phase of my life. My daily wardrobe and my lifestyle were sooo different back then. I had a reason to dress up and I felt cute on a regular basis. I still fit into the clothes I got rid of but I just don't have an reason to wear them anymore. No point in putting on flattering slacks when Mr. Yogurtfingers is on the prowl. Most days it's the same ol' yoga pants and t-shirt...It's crazy though, 'cause I'm positive that back in the day when I had to dress up and look put together everyday I longed for the day when I could stay home and chill in sweats. It's hard to just stay in the present.
girl. i. totally. can. relate. i had one of these days on my birthday this year, when i just felt sad. sad for time past. sad for not taking advantage of times in the past, happy times. thinking about the old me that was not always tired and frustrated, sad, worried... so glad you posted this. :-)
Allison, my nice interview BR suit goes in and out of he giveaway box. Just when I think I want to give it away, I yank it out again... but I haven't worn it for like 6 years... so really, it's time. I miss getting dressed up. I think we should start dressing super fancy for our yogurt-fingers.
Mommy Elizabeth, thank you so much for sharing. Sometimes blogging can make it seem as though life is all peaches and cream.... but we do have sad days and I am glad to know that it is okay if I blog about those too. Because I guess I hope that others relate and that being a mommy is hard in some ways.
um, yeah.
all of it (minus the post-partum, but I can still relate to that as well.)
sigh.
I don't really care to go back to that high school girl (completely) but I do daydream of less responsibility and worries.
Tiff, Let go............ Will Dave watch the boys for you on May 14th for the day? Lets go and be high school girls again. We can do whatever we want and not have any other responsibility You deserve it, truely We deserve it Let me know I love you
don't I wish. that is youth conference weekend. I will be up at the church building that weekend. YOUR church building actually! Do you want to come and help decorate next wednesday night? You should come over on Friday night, the 13th and dance with me there! We won't care if the youth look at us weird. ha ha!
haha, that is awesome- our "fun" times now are often service projects for people that include friends to help us. This was an awesome post to read. TOTally made me remember back to high school, and admire that tan strong kid who was so driven and tried to get the things she really wanted. I think in many ways I'm still the same, but sometimes the total freedom of that time (minus parents) is just a memory. Now, even if I DO go out, I keep thinking, oooh, gotta get home in time for bed because the little man wakes up at 630, come what may!
Sleeping in is the greatest nostalgic feeling I have from high school.
Every once in awhile Jared hooks me up with a late Saturday morning. Those are the best mornings ever. For real.
Tiff--
The first thing I thought when reading this is how eloquently this was written and what a great writer you are. Second, I relate. I think my hey-day was probably college or post-college but still. I've been having a love/hate relationship with my body lately...my body is amazing! I can't believe I carried, nurtured and birthed these two beautiful babies! I can't believe I can feed, nurture and love my baby with this amazing body! Then the other side kicks in and says things like, you used to be so thin without even trying...what happened? Now you work out, abstain from sugar, try eating small meals several times a day, etc, etc and you still look fat in that photo from the other day.
Sometimes I really wish I had the time to myself to just do some of the things I used to do--I used to draw, like all. the. time. I was a good artist...now I can barely put some paint on a canvas without feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing...my friend put this quote on her blog and I've thought about it a lot....
The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one’s ‘own,’ or ‘real’ life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one’s real life — the life God is sending one day by day.”
--CS Lewis.
Hugs to you.
oh, the body wars. I struggle too. well, a lot too. It makes me less confident and I hate that. I want to feel confident in my body. I don't know why my ego is ied to that because it shouldn't be.
I love that quote. So true. I do that all the time --- blame things for an interruption of my life --- this IS my life, darn it. I have come to realize that sometimes the opposite is true that my desire to do things outside of my real life are the distractions.... sad, but this is why I have thought on many occasions that I need to just throw my sewing machine in the attic so I can stop seeing it and thinking of all the things I would love to make.
The best advice I was given when my kids were young I didn't heed and now wish I had: "Church calling #1 is you and your family. Let the sisters with grown kids take on the time-consuming callings." (I think this pertains to the guys, as well!). We really can't do it all and expect to stay sane... I think the Lord respects and expects healthy boundaries!!
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