I held Tommy nearly all day today. He had a particularly hard day and fussed a lot. Not sure exactly why. Sometimes I get self-conscious about how much I hold my newborns/babies. Not sure exactly why. I think it goes back to what I was talking about in the Mother Bear post -- we hardly know what to do naturally any more. It feels natural for me to hold him and carry him everywhere and I don't mind doing it. But "they" will tell you other wise.
And we shouldn't sleep with our babies. and we sign papers in the hospital basically giving that right away... (I had to do that for the first time with tommy -- sign a paper saying that I will put him A- alone B- on his back C- in a crib when he sleeps.)
But shhhhhhh.....
I do. I sleep with my babies. In the crook of my arm all swaddled up. And sometimes on my chest.
not always and not all night, but a few hours here and a few hours there.
there. I said it. don't tell my nurses.
I have been revisiting a theory in my head I heard about years ago. The Fourth Trimester. Those first three months in a newborn's life when they are adjusting to their world. With tommy more than either of my others I see this little fear in his eyes. He grabs at his face during his baths. The only way he will calm down in the car is for his two big brothers to hold both of his hands tightly. And if you give him your index fingers while he is screaming and put them in his palm, he holds on to them for dear life.
my little fraidy cat.
More and more I am deciding I am of the school that it is not possible to spoil a baby. There is no such thing as holding them too much or cuddling them too much. They need it. I need it.
And it's okay.
I read something else recently that talked about how obsessed we are in our culture about making our babies adjust to our world instead of the opposite, which many other cultures place more emphasis on. Of course I am only talking about infancy here -- especially those first three months.
Just thinking again over here in new-mommy land. I know that this thinking doesn't fit every new mother, and that is okay too! I just needed to clear some self-conciousness...
17 comments:
hold him, hold him, hold him! They grow up too fast. Everything else can wait :) "They" don't know you or your baby. You just keep holding him wherever you go. And when you get tired of it, I will hold him ;)
Those ABCs are for Solomon's baby-sword-decision mom who rolled over on her baby. Maybe I am too light of a sleeper and was hyper-aware of them in my crooked arm-never worried about it being a danger. Medical research (and nurse-pressure, remember they are dealing with the masses of new-sometimes-clueless moms) can be intimidating-and wrong. Wrong for you and your family. You are using your mom-sense, mother bear! I swaddled all my babies and let them sleep on their tummies--seemed to work better for them than backs every time. I agree with you about holding--it's not spoiling them, it's loving them. It is sweet to hear about two big brothers helping to hold his little hands. I can imagine the picture.
I will hold him too! Yes, I agree, you can't cuddle them enough when they are tiny. I broke alot of rules too. Tummy sleepers, on my chest, in my bed etc... We have a mother's instinct for a reason. There may be some women out there not in touch with it so much and maybe it causes doctors to start changing/making rules. I know you are doing the right thing for you and your baby. I want to come meet the little fraidy cat!
This is a really interesting post, and some good comments. Of course I read and think about how important it is for a baby to feel safe and taken care of by parents. I have some clients who had mothers who were absolutely absent, alcoholics, anorexic mothers, depressed mothers, etc. I'm not a mom but I agree with the comments above. Hold them, love them, let them feel safe! You want that attachment, the first 3 months are crucial to a childs development!! If you're still letting your three year old sleep with you all night we can talk about setting some limits and other ways to make them feel safe, but yeah, hold em.
One of the greatest things about having a third baby to me, was that I really didn't care what other people said or thought. One of my favorite articles in the Ensign ever was from Pres. Faust when he talked about children and parents and (I am summarizing) he said that we shouldn't judge one another because The people who care MOST about their children are the parents; they are praying and thinking about that child the most and therefore are receiving the proper revelation for that child. It rang really true to me because it is up to you to raise them in the way you know in your heart is right. No one else can tell what that is really! After my third child, I felt like I really could do that. I slept with Henry and Charlotte all night practically and I loved it. I miss it!!
And I should also mention that I don't feel that those who choose not to sleep with their babies are bad parents either.
I love those first 3 months, they are so sweet! Aw, I want to hold little Tommy too! :)
Sweet Tiffany, there is no such thing as spoiling a baby! My great-aunt used to say that I spoiled my babies because I held them too much, but pooy poo on all those people! I think it helps them develop a sense of security and belonging in their family. And I put little Felix on his tummy to sleep, and sleep with him in bed sometimes. And he is doing well. This has to be said: I think sometimes "the world" tries to tell us what is "right" for our children, but I think that only the childs parents can know what is good for their baby. You know, when Felix was in the hospital he was always on his tummy, and the nurses put him their, part of it was because he had the large defect on his back, but he also just loves it. You know what's right for you and your baby. Go on your instincts mama bear. And be a mama bear as long as you want to. I still am, and Felix is almost 10 months old. It's not a bad thing to want to protect him from so much. The world is too crazy. I love you. You are a FABULOUS mama! (You should invest in a wrap, that way you can still hold your sweet little one and get stuff done at the same time, you can try out mine if you want.)
It's just awful when you love a baby too much ;)
I say you hold and snuggle and love that baby until he decides he doesn't need it anymore.
Isn't it weird how self conscious we can get about our mothering? Especially with babies? As if there is a right and wrong way...I totally relate to your feelings of inadequacy and wondering who's taking notes on all the obviously stupid stuff I'm doing. But that's of course when you're in the thick of it...when you've got this little newbie that you're trying to figure out and vice versa. Because even now, being just a few months ahead of where you're at it sounds strange that I worried about it so much. But I did. So of course, just know you're doing a great job and whatever you have to do to make it easier on YOU and baby, is the right thing...and sometimes that changes about 10 times in 10 minutes. You're a great mom and little Tommy is lucky to have you.
I just watched the movie Babies the other day and it was interesting how different babies are raised in different areas of the world. I agree...mother knows best.
Kiss him for me :) Little cutie pie. Yeah, give him all the face time he can handle with you, and love him to pieces- cuddle up!
I think you can spoil them after 6 months. I am pretty sure that my 10 month old who still ends up sleeping with me every night is SPOILED. But I sometimes can't wait for him to wake up that first time so I can bring him into bed with me. I'm certain I'm doing everything wrong, but I sure love my boys. When we lived in Maryland, my at home nurse, told me to sleep with him! I couldn't believe it. Everything I had ever heard was the opposite.
ummmm...I have a little secret too. Lily slept in my bed and now Mara sleeps in my bed. ALL.NIGHT.LONG! AND sometimes on her tummy! I lie to the doctor every time she asks me. I know that they have their reasons. But I love my little ones. I love to snuggle, and cuddle and nuzzle them. I still will nap with Lily. Mara and I both get in her bed!!!!! I know it is 'wrong'. But one day they will not want me to cuddle them. they will be embarrassed to kiss me or hug me in public. They won't want to hang out with me, and then they will grow up and move away. So I say soak it up! I do not think you can spoil a baby with LOVE : ) I think that it creates a specail bond that I am hoping lasts through their childhood and youth.
Enjoy it Tiffany! You are a great mom!
don't sweat it mama! trust your instincts. you know your baby and family best. i fully believe in the fourth trimester business as well as the "you can't spoil a baby" theory. love and snuggle all you want!
Dear Tiffany:
If I may. You are already raising two absolutely adoreable young men.
This is why the Lord has blessed you with one more.
I believe in you. :O)
Tommy will show you the way. He will tell you when he needs your love and encouragement.
In your home with your care and encouragement he will grow and develop his coping skills and he will be a very brave young man.
So no worries.
You are the woman to raise this darling child to meet his great potential.
Be Brave and trust yourself!
-hugz - all my best for you and your family. -alisa
I agree. You cannot spoil a new born. And there will never be another time when you can hold them as much as you can those first three months. You will wish for it when they grow. Your arms will ache for them when they are hurting. But it will never be the same, so take advantage. Protect him while you can. Love him. Squeeze him.
I love your post and I love all the comments. Obviously there are more than one of us out there who has slept with a baby. With our first, I put her to bed in her crib. And I stood outside the door and cried with her, but insisted we follow the "rules." Then I miscarried. And then I lost a baby. After that, I held them all. I held them and I snuggled them and I slept with them and I held them some more. If that's spoiling, then I'm a spoiler. They're all big now and guess what--the snuggling doesn't last nearly long enough. Enjoy it while you can.
Hi! I met your mom in our new ward in Bakersfield CA and she recommended that I read your blog! I'm living a very similar existence-- particularly with the whole housekeeping/parenting situation you mentioned, but I've got 3 kids 4 and under and so forth and so on... But I loved this post because the philosophy of not sleeping with your baby is a HUGE disaster! I'm coming from Berkeley and two of my babies were born there and they practically make you sign a waiver the other direction-- you will wear your baby at all times, sleep with them cradled to your chest. WHICH I DID AND LOVED IT!!! Your baby is a little older now I think but I loved my Beco Babycarrier... I could wear my littlest at all times and it was the best thing ever. She would snuggle into my chest and nap or just watch as I did my housework-- even cooking and cleaning, she fit so perfectly. I totally recommend it! But anyways thanks for keeping a fun blog and I've just added you to my reader so I'm sure I'll touch base again eventually!
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