A little while ago I realized something you would have thought I learned a long time ago. To me it seemed so obvious, yet so profound. To you it might sound ridiculous because you have entertained this thought often, but really the longer I let the thought marinate in my head the more and more it makes sense and becomes powerful. It seems so laughably simple.
The thought is this:
If you want a child to act a certain way, you have to teach them to act that way.
If you want a child to have a certain attribute, you have to teach them and cultivate that certain attribute.
I think too many times as parents we make up our minds about children too early. We label. We allow them to determine what they feel is right and fine without being given direction and guidance toward a possible better way. We say things like:
He is a rebellious child.
He just isn't a good listener.
She isn't grateful.
She is a fussy eater.
He is a trouble maker.
He has no manners.
She is so bossy.
She is a snob.
He doesn't ever care what I say.
He is rude.
I recalled an experience I had a couple years ago at a birthday party of a 4 year old friend of Max's. The boy was tearing through his birthday presents, never looking at his cards or acknowledging who gave them, not thanking, not even really reacting to these very nice presents he was receiving from his friends and family. One by one he ripped the paper off, threw the present aside and grabbed the next.
Instead of helping the birthday boy slow down and take more consideration for his guests and their gifts, his mother mumbled over and over, "He is so ungrateful, he is so rude..."
I do not tell this story to point out a flaw of another parent. Not at all. I will be the first to say I am not anywhere near perfect and neither are my children. I tell the story to illustrate a point.
We TEACH our children to be grateful. To have manners. To be kind and considerate.
I have caught myself many times labeling in my own head. My children do a a lot of begging, demanding, whining and complaining. "I want a snack!" "I want a drink!" "Play with me!" "get me those marbles" "I want to go to the park" "I want some more juice!!!!!" "Roll down my window!!!"
And man does it just irk me to no end when I hear it all.
But then I remember my little epiphany and I decide that this is a battle that I want to fight. This is a moment to teach. So I consistently insist that Max uses the asking word (can or may) and the magic word (please) every time he would like to ask me for something. We have done it for a couple weeks now and guess what?
He is now asking more politely.
He IS polite! He isn't rude!
Imagine that I tell myself.
And both of them are doing a pretty good job with thank yous.
And even though Oliver still doesn't know to not ask a lady for her cup of coffee at the airport (yes, that happened) and Max doesn't quite understand why he can't join everybody's picnic when we go to the park (he asked a total stranger mom for some of her family's jello a month or so ago - totally embarrassing), we are working on it.
I think about my Oliver who wouldn't eat salad for the longest time. I never gave up though. Every meal he would have to eat at least two bites of salad/vegetable before he could get down. And believe me --- the wild thing ROARED his terrible roars and gnashed his terrible teeth and rolled his terrible eyes and showed his terrible claws.
And the mother said BE STILL!!!!!!!! and tamed him with a magic trick ---
of always telling him what a good eater he is and how much he LOVES SALAD. That is funny trick I play on both of my boys. Whatever they don't like, I tell them over and over that they love it. It's mind over matter. Max, remember how you LOVE mashed potatoes? Oh, you love them so much. yummmy yummy potatoes! (He didn't like them for years-- now he eats them just fine). And now Oliver eats salad like a champ.
But it was hard work, folks. These things do not happen over night. Days and days and weeks and months and years of consistently expecting something. A battle I wanted to fight.
And although I feel like I am getting a grip on my food battles, and have a game plan for the asking politely battle, I know that there are so many more battles to address both now and in the future.
It is just nice to have figured out that I have more of an impact on the kind of people my children turn out to be than I even realize. And I intend to do something about it. This is a serious job, folks. I am reminding myself daily to not let these precious minutes go by without teaching my children to become the wonderful people that I know they can become.
PS -- I do not choose to fight the Oliver can't wear my shoes battle. Not worth it.
13 comments:
Loved this. My husband and I have been talking a lot about parenting lately. In fact tonight he just read me something from Jos. F. Smith about the ideal home.
Oh, it is hard work. And seems like the constant repetition, nagging is not getting through. Someday, it will. At least that's what I tell myself. This was good for me to read. And I think I might start implementing this "You love salad" technique.
Good luck on the home. I can't wait to see it all progress and finish. It will be grand I'm sure.
I could not agree more...reminds me of a saying I've always liked "Fake it 'till you make it," but whoever said that forgot to mention how hard the 'fake it' can be!
When my oldest boy was 14 months and not walking I was having emotional spasms and my husband reminded me that his brother, who has Downs Syndrome, learned to walk just fine - so surely our boy would too. Later I read the idea that any child can and will learn anything with enough kind repetitions. 23 years later I am still reminding myself - but I now I see that it really works. (My oldest son walks just fine!)
giles -- I would love to hear that quote from Joseph F Smith about the ideal home. I think good parenting is so muddled today. So many people, professionals, experts, magazines, books, etc telling us what is best. I think we forget what a power and influence we are in their lives. And also, there is a lot more to getting your child to eat their salad and vegetables, that is just one thing that I do. Maybe I will have to expand on it in another post if you want me to.
Kim- Both of my sons were late walkers too (even later than 14 months) and Max was a really late talker too. Things like this take a lot of patience (as does most every stage of a child's development.) You are completely right. Kind repetitions and consistency are KEY.
tiff, what about the battle where oliver goes into a toy store and falls in love with a pink and purple plastic purse and then hands you your own pink and plastic purse and insists you walk around the store together holding your purses?? is THAT a battle you choose to fight?
ha ha! no, i don' fight that part, and either do you! BUT I do fight the battle of not BUYiNG him the pink and purple purse with the beaded handle.
you are hilarious.
Good Reminders. My Aiden's labels are, he's hyperactive, and high manintainence. Maybe I can teach him not to be those things. But it seems daunting. Thankfully he is polite.
And about the shoes, that's something I have to keep reminding Josh, "Choose your battles!" They are not all worth the fight.
I too, loved this post. It is SO true. When I am very careful to take the time to bend down and teach consistently- they do, eventually, get it. It's tough molding the clay, but totally worth the battle.
right on
kelly--- totally. And can I say how much I love your blog??? I need to write you an email.
LOVE THIS POST! You've given me some food for thought. Thanks!
Amen, sister.
Seriously-- I couldn't agree more. A mom has GOT to make (teach) their kids do things for a long time until habits are instilled. Sharing??
I love that you do this with your kids, I do think it is important to not label them too early; like when they are 2...that shouldn't decide whether or not they will ever eat green beans!
I think there is a deeper need we have to understand our children, and I think that is where the labeling comes from.
There are situations where children really are exceptional in their behavior (such as autism) where sometimes a label helps others to understand and treat appropriately. No one needs more critical mothers who make judgments on another parent.
For the majority of us, though, I think sometimes we are afraid that if we judge ourselves by their behavior, we will always feel hopeless. Which is true. But, the whole hard work thing is what gets me going. Can you MAKE your child make perfect choices all of the time? Obviously not, but you can help them to be the best they can be by complimenting, rather than excusing--and especially by not tearing down...in public, no less! Consistency is the hard work part in my eyes!
And for goodness sakes: don't judge appetite and manners for the rest of their lives by the way they behaved as a toddler! It seems like common sense, but it can do lasting damage on these special, precious souls!
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