The cool thing about being pregnant is that you can be held responsible for absolutely nothing during gestation.
Like, if your child fills his favorite green cup with the sour cream you have placed on the table for your taco salad dinner and then drinks sour cream from both his cup and the container, that is sooo not your fault. not a bit. you are not responsible for that.
And if you keep certain doors in your house shut permanently for nine months because you don't even want to deal with the mess, totally fine.
And if you lay in your bed for two hours of the afternoon and just let your children crawl all over you.... you are awesome.
And if you eat McDonald's soft serve.
And if you have caught up on your Dragontales and Wonderpets and Little Einsteins, and you are not even feeling an ounce of the guilt you may usually have for your children sitting in front of the TV too much.... fantastic.
Because, it's been rough.
And for some women the physical hits them like a ton of bricks and for some it's more the mental. I've had a healthy dose of both this time around. More throwing up this time - much more. And the mental junk. Either I didn't have it with Max, or I didn't know it because I was busy teaching, but I don't remember feeling like this with him. With Oliver it was BAD. And it's just as bad or worse this time around. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
I just can't do anything. Nothing even remotely sounds interesting. Not even the usually fun stuff. I think of chores/things to do in comparison to weight. Things that are usually light-seeming become awfully cumbersome and heavy - like doing the dishes is 500000000000000000000 pounds. So heavy that I can hardly bear to even entertain the thought of doing them. And the funny thing is I DON'T CARE. Too much effort to care. And really, that isn't funny, because that is the scary part. It is so not me. I hate that feeling. I don't understand it. If I have done ANYTHING at all in the past while it was a humongously huge ginormous effort.
I get to feeling so dark and low and mentally foggy that I start to not be able to stand anything around me. (sorry if you have been around me lately - yikes). When I was pregnant with Oliver during the same month I wrote this post and it makes me laugh now because I was in the thick of this craziness and if I even THINK of the smell of that ylang ylang shower cleaner I start to dry heave.
And I listened to an old Architecture in Helsinki CD pretty much on repeat during that month, I loved it so. And wouldn't you guess that I haven't listened to that CD once since. Not once. I can't stand the thought of it.
Reminders of that nasty nasty time.
Oh friends, I am so happy to be pregnant. We have been trying for a good many months... and it's great. It's just that I forgot how bad this part was for me.
And really, this blog is all a part of it. I told David I wanted to quit blogging last week. multiple times. I am done, I said. I even thought I hated EVERYTHING ABOUT BLOGS AND I HATE THEM AND THEY ARE DUMB. But then I thought maybe it is a phase. And although things might be more infrequent, someday it will pick up again. Don't give up on me. I just can't do it all right now.
another thing I can't do right now: blogs with people doing so much. nope nope nope. don't blog about your new recipe (but please, bring it over for me to eat), don't show me what you have sewn. Don't show me your new way of organizing, Don't tell me to enter your giveaway. Giveaways make me want to throw up.
gosh, aren't I lovely right now?
Tell me that you know what I am talking about. I promised myself I would talk about it this time around if it happened, because it is just plain awful.
And good, practical advice is welcome.
PS -- For those of you who asked, I am due November 12th and I am at 11 weeks.
26 comments:
My last one was during the Gnarles Barkley hey day. I cannot listen to "Crazy" without feeling sluggish and possibly vomiting.
I'm so terrified of being pregnant. I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle it when the time comes again.
11 weeks though, you're almost through to worst! For me it lasts till 16 week, pretty much to the day.
You're almost there.
Eva, you don't know how good it feels to hear that you have felt similarly. and even hearing that you can't stand a song, I love that you are the same! Thank you for sharing. It is amazing the power that music has to evoke feelings and memories huh?
Thanks for the encouragement too...
FUN! I'm excited for you, I feel your pain, I was there only 9 short months ago. It was the worst thing ever and now, what would I give to go back! Probably not what you want to hear. I get the physical and mental nasties of pregnancy. I think people should talk about it. Then those of us who are in the same boat, don't feel so bad.
You don't know me. I'm Jennilyn's cousin, but this post is fantastic. You brought it all back. I wish I could have verbalized those times half as well, and it IS good to verbalize them because so many of us have felt it. Thank you! The only time I could bear it was when I was asleep!
I just remember my emotions being super elevated, I would cry a lot, tv shows, movies, the kids being their normal crazy selves and totally overwhelming me, housework, total leaky faucet. I always felt a little better physically after like 16 weeks too. The hardest part for me is the last 3 or 4 weeks when you can't sleep for more than a few hours at a time because you wake up everytime you adjust your position. Maybe I shouldn't tell you things I didn't like at the end. :) The very end is the most precious part though and will always be what you remember most. It will pass and then you have that sweet little thing...long comment, sorry, should've emailed you or something. :)
Wait, I don't have to take responsibility for ANYTHING while pregnant?? WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME THIS 8 MONTHS AGO? Really! The crap I could have flaked on and gotten away with if I'd known! Sheesh.
Well, at least now I will no longer be ashamed of all the McDonald's soft serve I've been having. Best heartburn cure ever.
Oh man...I feel your pain. I should send you a picture of my closet. I can't fit into my old clothes but I can't find the energy to put them away. There are maternity things scattered around, there is a pile of discarded pants that I tried to squeeze into, it's now overflowing onto my bedroom floor and I just don't care. I'm trying the whole positive attitude thing this time since I'm sure it's my last but it's still hard. Hang in there and visualize... what? Something happy. November 13th, maybe.
Misha- my closet looks the same. I tried to put on jeans last night to go to our RS meeting with no luck. I wore a skirt, one of the ones I got from our adventure to the shade warehouse! It is SOOO comfortable. I think I could gain 100 pounds and still be comfortable in it. NOT planning on that though.
em, is your depression worse after you have the baby? It seems like it might be. Is that what you mean by you want to go back?
YES leslie, the crying over anything. it is so real. and weird. I am so sensitive!
Al --- mcD's soft serve IS the best cure for heart burn. I've tried it all. No guilt my friend, no guilt. Be a slacker. ha ha...
Julie, thank you for your comment. Very appreciated. I am so happy that others can identify. It is hard to talk about because you don't want to seem ungrateful....
lots and lots of big red gum. haha. i really did have that EXACT SAME pregnancy with zoey. she was my late in life pregnacy that really made me feel like it was late in life. lol. i gained a million pounds and i couldn't breathe. too hard. i pushed thru it....and i did my best. i hated to look at my house. couldn't smell any smells. yuck. it was like that the entire pegnancy and then even after it seems to carry on....but the nursing helped and so did all the naps. my second trimester got better of course, but it was still a very hard pregnancy. now i'm 45 and going thru menopause. wonderful. feels even BETTER. not. haha.
your blog is great. i will come and visit more often. you do so much with your boys. i remember when arek was little and i did lots of crazy stuff with him. girls are different. i don't do as much with zoey, but she is a different child.
good luck to you and it was great meeting you.
good luck and hang in there. big red gum. it helps.
sue
For me, being pregnant was always a HUGE sacrifice mentally. I turn into a mean girl/mom/wife. It was horrible. And although I am occasionally sad about not having more babies, I am so happy to not ever have to be Mean Pregnant Mandee again.
I'll give you a pass for not calling me while you were in town. And if I lived by you, I would bring you a Sunshine Salad and do your dishes!
Hang in there!
Yeah! Congrats to you!!! I'm so happy to hear that you struggle with pregnancy. I am not one who really enjoys being pregnant I decided, so I'm glad to be in good company. :) Eat those ice creams, my friend. Eat those ice creams. :)
omigosh! First: Don't look at my blog because I'm keeping track of cool things I do to make myself feel good. Number 2: I am re-terrified of ever being pregnant, but SOOOO glad that SOMEone out there doesn't just sappily say (for the gabillionth time) how "wonderful" it is, because even though I've never BEEN Pregnant, I am NOT stupid- and I DO listen at those baby showers and go home thinking, "Geez honey, I am SO glad we adopted" Although I wish I was pregnant for the pure victory of being pregnant and belonging to some club of women in the world who have made it out alive. My this was uplifting, wasn't it? LOL
I'm getting an ice cream today.
Tiffany!! Congrats to you and your family. I am not a blogger, don't even really know what I am doing....but something made me look your's up today. I love how you write. I could sit here for an hour reading your past posts! You are so good at expressing things, things that most everyone is feeling or has felt before, but can't put into words. You are so witty and creative. I do hope you start to feel better soon - 1st trimester is almost over!!
p.s. in case you didn't know, it's Amy from Grace :)
Hey T-- this is so great!! The pregnant part. This other part, I know... it's not so great. It's so crazy how things can be and how hormones change things. CRAAZY!
And although it is all consuming right now, time flies and before you know it things will be different. I wish I could come do your dishes for you. THIS SUMMER I WILL! I will possibly live at my parents house for 2 weeks. More info later.
Anyway, every woman has their time of craziness when it comes to having children. Mine is different than yours... mine is after I have the baby.
CA CA CA RAZY!!
But I'm glad you're talking about it. Oh how it helps. You're not alone and you are so lovely.
OH but if I'm pregnant this summer-- WHICH I MAY BE-- count me out. :)
Love ya!
Congratulations and sorry at the same time. Being a mom and all that comes with it is no walk in the park...well except on the days you take your kids to the park and actually walk through it..but other than that it's tough. Good luck. I find that just remembering that you've been there before and someway you'll get out of it again helps. Love you.
My couch was my best friend during my last first trimester. I laid on it all day. I didn't want to get up or do anything. I hated everything. It was bad. I didn't tell anyone about it either. But it passed, thank goodness. Give me a call if you ever want to drop off your kids and have some time to yourself.
Mandee --- I was feeling miserable in utah -- you didn't want to be around me. believe that. I do wish we lived close though. how i wish!
Jess --- eat that ice cream!
Kamilah and Nichole, so good to know it's not just me. Nichole -- I think I will call you soon, but I want to hang out and not just leave! Let's do lunch soon or something...
Amy --thanks for your comment! I think you are so awesome. We need to hang out more. We need to come and see your turtles. You are such a fun mom.
Saree and Miggs, YES... I think the thing that helps is that I know it is a phase and I can get through it. Because I know this and can identify it, I am more gentle with myself and work harder to take care of myself and not let everything else get in the way. I sleep, I ignore, because I have to.
SArah, I hope you are here for two weeks!
Oh Tiffany! I know exactly how you feel! I've been there, done that and it totally sucks. The good thing is at least it does come to an end, right? Hang in there and remember how much you are adored!
Don't I know it. I used to feel angry when people would say "oh, being pregnant makes me feel so beautiful", and "i never feel better than when i am pregnant", but now I am just happy for them they don't have to go through the depression and incapacitating sickness that lasts the entire pregnancy like i do. Too many times while pregnant I have sat at the window watching the cars go by thinking "if I just make it to 32 weeks, I can let that car hit me, then the baby will come early and we will both be fine...". Something about it didn't seem right, but I couldn't figure it out. Every day after 32 weeks, I would sit there trying to figure out what I couldn't figure out....
With Mariah, my OB put me on anti-depressants...what a blessing, especially since I didn't get to take my baby home. Prayers for you, sweet momma! We are all in the loving hands of Him who loves us most!
Tiff, this post made me happy. Not happy like I'm happy that it's tough for you, but happy to know that pregnancy is insanely hard for someone else too. Your reference to Ylang Ylang made me laugh out loud because I had that shampoo while I was pregnant with Henry and to this day it is revolting to me. I also have a leather purse that for some reason makes me sick as well. My nausea lasted all nine months with both. Awful.
Anyway, I don't have any brilliant advice except to say that it's okay to set the bar very low and to know that it will be over at some point and that you can count it all a success if you make it through nine months without doing serious harm to your kids or your spouse or yourself. Oh, and if you can, scrape together what ever funds are available and get a housekeeper. I resisted this for so long because I thought it was too expensive and I also didn't like the idea of training someone, etc. Forget it! It's worth every penny and you will never go back. We have shifted our budget so much now that we actually have a lady coming three nights a week to do dishes and two full Saturdays a month to deep clean. Changes everything!
HAHAHA! I am in the same boat as you right now! All my teachers this semester thought I was such a bum, but I just COULD NOT handle the thought of homework. Or cleaning. Or even going to class at all. Blah! The things we go through to bring babies into this world.
Well, I had a comment with lots of witty remarks, but it got lost when I
tried to preview it. suffice it to say that when you have two young children to care for, you are likely to be TIRED with the third pregnancy.
Loved reading all the comments, too.
Love,
Wordmaster Helen
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