I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to maintain.
support.
preserve.
keep.
retain.
I don't function in chaos. Which means, I haven't been functioning in a really really long time. Perhaps years? Moments of functionality, but hours upon hours upon days and weeks of chaotic craziness. I do function very well when I am very busy, but usually when I am very busy I am too busy to maintain my home, my schedule, my children....... all of what should be stable and maintained but isn't.
Have I ever reached a point in my mothering years where I am simply maintaining an atmosphere I am pleased with? I feel a struggle daily with the unsurmountable tasks that surround me. Everywhere I look there is something that needs to be done. A project here, a project there. Frames laying on the ground needing to be nailed into the wall. Corners of unreachable walls that haven't been painted from a painting projects that started months ago, boys outgrown clothes that need to be sorted, things that need to go up into attic storage, a shelf that needs painting, pillows that need recovering, clothes that need mending, floors that need mopping, calls that need to be made, letters written, dead plants that need uprooting............................
If I could only get to a point where I don't see work everywhere I look. If I could get to a point where I could play with my children without thinking of the million things that need to be done. If I could get to place where I am maintaining instead of chipping away at a huge something that seems to be growing and growing while I am frantically losing it.
Doesn't it seem as though life is slipping by? That you are never really "at that point". If only this, if only that....
I don't function in this. I find myself wandering around aimlessly because there is so. much. to. do. And when there is so. much. to. do, I don't know where to start. And so I find myself starting in the kitchen with some crackers and cheese. And then there is another thing to do -- maintain my body. blahhhhhhhhhh. A vicious cycle.
I often think, maybe if I just get rid of half of what is in our house it would be easier. And then I go on house-purging frenzies and give away a bunch of stuff. Hey, you, want some more stuff?
I have been working hard for a good month now. Ridding myself of projects, things I just can't get to right now in my life. I am at a point in my life where I cannot do all that I want to do. My priorities just don't allow it. When I allow too many ideas and projects in I no longer maintain. So, I give projects away and then guilt sets in because oh how I wanted to do that project. Oh how lovely it would have been. But I can't. not now. maybe later. You go ahead and do it. I know it will be great. and then it is. and it hurts. why does it hurt????
I suppose it is growing pains.
growing hurts.
Letting go of things that are holding you back hurts. No matter what it is. Mental, tangible, physical. True sacrifice hurts. When I taught school I remember talking to my students about sacrifice. We talked about an upcoming food and clothing drive. We talked about how hard it was to give up a can of mixed vegetables or a can of creamed corn. Not hard at all. What about giving away a old stained and out-grown t-shirt. nope. not hard. I asked them what they thought about giving up their hot school lunch, or homemade brown bagged lunch and sitting down to a can of creamed corn. What about giving up their American Eagle hoodie and wearing the old stained t-shirt to school for a week? Silly analogy, but it works.
true sacrifice hurts.
It becomes a test of character as to what we can sacrifice in our life to create something more meaningful and purposeful. What can we let go of that will ultimately bring a better result?
It's a struggle with the natural man. It's a struggle with pride.
It's a wrestling match that I am most definitely not winning.
To maintain seems mediocre and stagnant, and I suppose it can be- depending on what you maintain. I feel like for me, when I reach a point of maintaining order and peace in my home I will ultimately be able to function on a level that I am pleased with. I will be able to create a base, a starting block that I can return to, that is higher than the one I am trying to function from right now. Trying being the operative word.
maintain.
support.
preserve.
keep.
retain.
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10 comments:
you're not alone sister! i've been thinking about my on-going battle with the natural man recently as well. i got a quote at institute this week that i think applies:
"anyone who imagined that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. the fact is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. life is just like an old time rail journey...delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. the trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." Jenkins Lloyd Jones. i just have to always remind myself that life is made up of seasons, and this is my season to have neverending laundry and unfinished projects. but the hanging out with atticus instead of the finishing of the projects is the brightest part of my life! and as far as the maintaining of my body, i do my best but also remember that this is the baby making season of my life so there are bound to be ups and downs! love you!
ps - every now and then i have to go into my google web albums and delete folders of pictures because when i upload to blogger it also uploads them to my web albums and when they run out of storage space blogger won't let me upload photos to my blog. maybe this is happening to you? who knows, blogger is so tempermental.
Our greatest challenge in life is finding joy in the mundane. It's hard. You know -it's funny because some people(me)would love to have such an active, creative mind to see projects all around them. You have a really amazing knack for that. i really enjoyed reading that and identified with a lot of what you said.
Berli, Thank you for that quote. I had heard it once before, but not for a while and it is a good reminder.
I know there will always be things to do like laundry, dishes, beds, floors, I guess it's all the extras I am having a hard time with. The things that are allowing me to never feel finished and thus never being at a point where I feel in the least bit caught up. I am learning to let go though....
If I can get a few of those nagging projects done I will feel a little more at ease.
Also, our basement is completely uprooted in renovation and has been for nearly three months now. It's starting to wear.................
It will feel good to have that done.
KAtie, want some ideas? HA HA HA. I used to tell my husband that the most perfect job I could imagine for myself would be to sit in a room and just have people come up to me in my room and say, give me an idea for this. And then I could think and think and come up with grand plans for them. But the key is that I give it away to them to finish, I just get to do the fun part of creating an idea.
I love thinking.
I loved this post. Have so been feeling the same way--but not so eloquently.
What if you can't let go? I've got the piles of projects and I can't seem to let any of them go. Surely if I was just more . . . something, I could get everything done. Drives me crazy.
The thing that ALWAYS works for me... make a list. It is amazing how you'll know what is the priority when you make a list. By the end of the day... even if you didn't get it all done, you'll be amazed at what you accomplished! That will feel so good, you'll be successful again tomorrow.
"A goal not written is merely a floundering wish"...says my husband all the time! He is so right/write! When I write it down, it seems to stick and I get it done.
The good thing (?) is that there will ALWAYS be things to fill my list. :)
Same battle in my life. Just this week I have tried to focus more on giving my kids the attenion they need--more one-on-one (not easy with three little, needy ones), more reading, more outdoor time, etc and what happens, my laundry piles up and the kitchen goes to pot. So I try to catch up on the cleaning so that our home feels peaceful and orderly and I end up feeling like I'm ignoring the kids. And so I go back a forth. I have finally decided that I must maintain a basic level of order in the home for us to be happy, but the other things will have to wait. I too will just have to simplify the house, my plans and all else until a time when fantastic table settings and amazing hand knit sweaters don't come at the cost of not making the most of the time the children are home with me.
I agree with all your wishing and angst, but life in its very essence IS maintaining. We, as busy mothers, have to be very mindful not to wish these seasons of maintaining away: "I'll be happy when...I have a nice house of my own and don't live in this dumpy apartment...I'll be happy when... my husband is out of school....I'll be happy when... I don't have 3 kids in diapers! {eek!}... I'll be happy when..." {BTW this was me..not you}
{you get the idea} I don't need to preach this to you--I think you are doing a pretty dang good job enjoying the now (and tiffany,you are winning! You do play with your kids! AND you manage to complete fantastic, interesting and artistic projects too.)
I get immobilized and overwhelmed by too much to do ALL THE TIME. I just freeze and end up wasting even more time!
One day at a time.
And I like the idea of writing it down too. Makes you recognize all that you DO accomplish. I think you find that it's actually quite a lot.
Chin up, my friend.
:)
I could have written that exact post. I feel like I've been juggling a million things lately. Doing all of them halfway and standing on a foundation of jello all the while.
I'm with you...if I could just get the house clean at least I'd have somewhere to start from. It's amazing how a physical mess can cause such an emotional and even spiritual mess. At least for me.
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